As many of you know, one of the reasons I came here to China was so that I could discover what the future holds for me and what my purpose in life is. A tall order, I know. However, this was a reason non the less. I have only been here for a week and my mind is already on a rampage in attempting to reach self discovery. The whirlwind of thought has been plaguing with ideas of what I am supposed to be doing in life. I am still at a bit of a loss though, this loss which I have let become the bane of my existence for the past, well like 3 years! I have a problem with patience when it comes to things concerning my future. I am getting to the point where I am going to have to decide what to do with my life as far as school and I am still completely in the dark as to what that will be. I know that G has a plan for me, but waiting for that to be revealed is a whole nother issue in itself. I would really appreciate if you could lift up this burning question to the Father to give me clarity to know how I should proceed. I know that the His power is so much stronger and His will is already written for me and I just need to trust in that plan. Please pr'y that I will be patient and wait for His perfect timing and that it will be obvious to me where I should follow Him. I have been so blessed to have great friends here who have already given me council. Sometimes I struggle with pr'er and so I ask that you would help me in this area to help calm my anxieties and just give my future to G and let Him take care of it as He has promised to do time and time again. Melissa and I were looking up schools today and different majors and after talking through a number of different options, I just had to tell her what my dream job was, which was really nothing we had mentioned. I have an idea of what I want to do, but I haven't found a way academically to achieve that dream. I know that if it is meant to be than it will happen and I live by that phrase, but it is still hard to trust and wait. As I mentioned before and as you probably can see if you read this whole post, a very large chunk of my brain is being dedicated to the thought of my future. I need to live in the present and give the future back to G. Please pr'y that I can do that and that G will show me the way! Also pr'y that I will be willing to take a leap of faith and not be afraid of failure as I have become accustomed to doing. I want to make myself available just until the point of discomfort, than I dig my heels into the ground never to be moved again. I have turned myself into human concrete which no jack hammer could loosen. I feel like I am preventing my own progress and keeping myself at a standstill for fear that if I proceed something bad will happen. My fear isn't even rational for the most part, the very fact that I can't see the future and can't anticipate my next move is what is bogging me down from moving forward and making progress. I have always lived in a state of safety and no risk. The statuesque has always been kept for me and I have never really had to stretch myself. Well, I am done hindering myself from progress and I am finished with being safe. I need a challenge but I also need to tools to survive the battle, which I know I already have I just need to use them. My armors on and I'm all ready to go, I just need to know where and how and trust that when I run out my fight will not be in vain nor will it be half hearted.
Posted by Mari
Mari,
ReplyDeleteOur whole summer retreat felt with this issue. I will bring the notes and love to talk to you.
Mari,
ReplyDeleteI know exactly what you mean. Ever since graduation and a little before I have been wrestling with the same issues and if you don't mind a little error, a little speculation and a lot of over analized and deeply out of context theology, I'd like to give you my opinion, or rather the working operandi which I use to deal with the issue (for now).
And that most simply is, forget about it; the problem for the most part is a non-issue. Our generation I think is too caught up in soul searching, and looking for 'what we want to do' or looking for 'God's will' it often gets too in the way with our real path. Not that knowing what God's plan for our lives is or knowing where our passions lie is a bad thing, but rather from what I've seen, the majority of the human race never learns these things. Some of the most often results I've heard of is that people with fight and strive for a particular goal and when they get there suddenly realize thats not what they were ever meant to do anyway. I've heard overwhelming stories about people who who go to med school and end up a teacher or who go to law and end up in sales or who go to Harvard and spend the rest of their lives doing volunteer work. Essentially; don't get hung up on needing to know where you're going because the fact is, whether you're aware of it or not, you're already on your way.
God know's where he wants you, and just because he didn't think you needed to know, does not mean that you're not going to be ready for it when you get there. Actually consider this: Maybe you wouldn't be ready if you did know. If God told you, you were going to spend the rest of your waking hours working in a war zone or doing paper work for a charitable organization only three people in the world has heard of or even paralyzed from the neck down never able to move again, would you be able to handle it? Life is about faith and content meant; the greatest source of contentment for me is that as long as I practice faith in God, he will take me where I need to go.
Its like the old quote "You are not the person you were yesterday and you are now becoming the person you will be tomorrow." The greatest trap to fall into when worrying about what you are meant to do is stagnation, fearing not going anywhere which causes you not to go anywhere, but if you think this applies to you, think again. YOU. ARE. IN. CHINA.
One of the farthest places from your home in the world, even if you didn't want to you're making forward strides in faith and contentment just making due in a foreign country serving others. And even if some days you don't feel like your heart is is the work, that you're just going through the motions, remember motions count for something. The heart follows the actions just as the actions reflect the heart, if you try to serve in faith, if you have willing faith, service will follow and if you have willing service, faith will follow.
Even if you don't feel it, right now you are a glowing example to more people than you've ever met. Do you think all the people in church doubted your bright future or how much God would use you when you stood up to get your commissioning? Or do you think any of the high schoolers and teenagers who saw you go from leadership in YG to volunteering at an orphanage in China will doubt your mission in life? No, you are to all of the THE EXAMPLE of faith and God's purpose. So who cares what God has planned for your life a year or two down the road, you are already on a mind-blowing mission. The rest will come when its ready.
Praying for you daily,
Tobias Anderson.
PS Say hi to Mel for me too.